So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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