apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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