Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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