Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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