my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
time to smoke my breakfast
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
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