Michael Bay diarrhea
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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