Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
