Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
