i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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