she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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