my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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