You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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