Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize