My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
As shirtless as possible
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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