I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
