yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
