Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
