Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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