Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
