Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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