i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
