Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
