Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
