i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
