My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize