You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
