...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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