I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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