I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't deserve a penis
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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