I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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