Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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