So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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