You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
