Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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