A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
