I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
