just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
