How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
This can only be settled by a dance off.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
