the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
