i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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