Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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