So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
