mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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