we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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