actually, I'm a sock model
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
