if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
