What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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