I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
