If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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