Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
