i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
