Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
