Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
