Cold hands, warm shart.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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