How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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