I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
