A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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