you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
