I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
